So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
