end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
