She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
