Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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