FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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