i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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