i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize