she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
