Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
