Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
