During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
