then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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