So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
