dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
is that a dick in a sweater?
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