dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
