turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
