Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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