I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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