I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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