So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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