I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
