Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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