woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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