I cannot find my penis.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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