She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
