Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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