I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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