1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
