I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
