I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
