You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
