god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
