her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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