I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
