She is in my trunk
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
