Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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