The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
