you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
