can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sext me about skeletons
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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