oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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