I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
