So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize