I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
