I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
