I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
