I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
