if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
