I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
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