u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
