Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize