I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
