Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
