i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
