He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
