I'm lost and stupid without you.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
