no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize