apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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